Movies To Avoid At All Costs

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Method used

The voting below means:

What if we like it? Someone put LordOfTheRings on the list; I thought that all three of 'em were great movies.

Please put entries in alphabetical order. Also, please don't delete reviews that you disagree with (DisagreeByDeleting); rather, add a rebuttal. This has been done to excellent effect several times on this page.

Also, no fair commenting on a movie that you haven't actually seen (at least a significant part of). If you walked out of the theatre after half an hour because it was so bad, that counts as "seeing" it. If, however, you caught a five minute glimpse of the flick while shopping for TVs at the local Circuit City, that does not. At any rate, no fair piling on widely-acknowledged-as-bad movies unless you have actually made an attempt to watch it yourself. Otherwise, we could ALL trash Plan Nine and such. Hey! I liked Plan Nine. Much better than Soylent Green.

If you can name a good thing and a bad thing about the movie do you get a RAM chip?

Paying to watch a movie

I'd like to know how much you guys actually pay in order to not watch a movie. Tootsie will be airing right here on Wiki at 3:00 this afternoon unless the money starts rolling in. -- WaldenMathews

Probably about $20, if I were placed in that situation. It's pretty hard to imagine that I would be, thankfully. I can always gouge out my eyes if it comes to that.

-- A --

Alexander - Oliver Stone's take on the life of one of the best military minds of all time.

Allan Quartermaine and the Lost City of Gold - early Sharon Stone flick (before she was known), which is probably why you still see it on TV occasionally. Richard Chamberlain hams it up as usual. Highlights: Cardboard boulders and 24-shot six-shooters (count them bullets!). Austin Powers 2 (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0145660) - The first one was a really good romp - not the greatest movie of all time, but charming, novel, and very funny. From the reviews I expected less than that - but more of the same. This isn't more of the same. It's just a long, dreary, self-conscious series of coprophiliac jokes. That's right - I am not kidding - the whole thing is about shit. Things go into and out of Mike Myers' anus every five minutes like clockwork. At one point Powers actually drinks feces. The dance sequences are short and pitiful. Heather Graham is very pretty but completely wasted by the horrible, horrible plot. The Fat Bastard character isn't even a rip-off of AlexeiSayle. If you see two movies this summer, make certain neither of them is this unsympathetically vile travesty.

-- B --

Bad - An AndyWarhol? movie advertized as "A movie to offend everyone." Rated X.

Bad Santa - A miserable work. Sure, I laughed at a couple things, but otherwise hated this depressing movie. Try JohnWaters? for enjoyable movies with extremely bad taste. Batman and Robin Battlefield Earth - Alien bad guys (who have their own problems) conquer Earth and then, centuries later, have problems with Terrans. Purest drivel. F-18s and Harriers that still fly after having had no maintenance for how many hundreds of years? Aliens with FTL and zap ray gun capabilities who lose to a bunch of scrawny, starving, untrained savages? Oy! Brokeback Mountain - Mind numbing dialog, dreary plot, boring performances, and not a single sympathetic character. Major character dies because ... well, no reason. No dying speech, no touching message, no irony, no nothing. Typical Annie Proulx-written garbage. The lack of sarcasm is perhaps the worst thing about it - when one of the cowboys said to the other "I ain't queer" it's just fundamentally unfair that the other didn't reply, "Then why weren't you out shagging sheep like the other working stiffs on this hilltop?". Seriously, if you want to see a really heart-warming gay guy flick, go check out The Sum Of Us and leave this monotonous claptrap to moulder in its dust jacket.

-- C --

The Cell - the story and acting are worse than any you've seen elsewhere.

Constantine - confused, pseudo-noir story about a "worker" stuck between Heaven and Hell. Busy fighting demons and trying to make a deal with the Devil, literally. Oy.

Crash (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0115964) - They said it was controversial at Cannes. It was... people booed, hissed and walked out. Other people stayed and gave it a standing ovation, so that doesn't really tell you much. Catwoman - Two hotties, Sharon Stone and Halle Berry, face off in a confused and ultimately pointless tale of abuse and revenge.

-- D --

Dark Star - Aliens that look like beachballs with rubber chicken feet intent on murdering the crew, a planet-destroying bomb that starts waxing philosophic and decides it's God, and special effects which were probably created by literally scratching the negatives, are probably the best parts of this movie. So slow and not funny (though it's billed as a comedy) as to give the viewer a real taste of the space dementia the crew of the eponymous spaceship apparently had.

Driving Miss Daisy - Morgan Freeman drives Miss Daisy (Jessica Tandy) around. That's the whole thing! Won Academy award. DungeonsAndDragonsTheMovie? (http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0190374/) - I assume the only reason it wasn't listed here in the first place is that nobody went to see it. I walked out after fifteen around fifteen minutes, during which saw a dungeon, a dragon, a princess, a bad guy in black, a "look look we can do 3D modeling" magical city, a politically correct (black) elf, a hero yearning for freedom for his country (as the princess is), and quite a few other people who got up and left before we did. Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turkish_Star_Wars) The Turkish Star Wars, with a soundtrack lifted from at least 6 other movies, and clips of Star Wars actually inserted into it. Here are 2 clips: (http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/51229/Turkish_Star_Wars_Training_Scene.html) and (http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/51548/Turkish_Star_Wars_Training_Scene_Part_2.html?autoplay=true)

-- E --

Equinox (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0104201) - A so-called style movie, this is a movie about two twins, one of whom works in a gas station, the other who works in the mafia. The whole movie is nothing but a setup for a single scene where the brothers meet. And then nothing happens, so the living brother therefore drives to the grand canyon and waves his arms in the air.

Eraserhead ET - replace alien with dog and space ship with family station wagon and it's Benji. Event Horizon - can't make up its mind if it's a sci-fi (derogative term, pronounced "si-fee"), a horror thing, or a treatise on exploring the human spirit. So it ends up being none of the above, just a mess.

-- F --

Forbidden Zone (1980) Herve Villachaize and Oingo Boingo? Ouch!

-- G --

Ghosts of Mars (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0228333) - Absolutely terrible. For a more complete review, see http://www.thekeep.org/dar/reviews/ghostsofmars.html

-- H --

Hardware (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0099740) - Don't believe the idiots at IMDb. This is the worst movie ever made. Contains cameos by Iggy Pop and Motorhead's Lemmy. Some really liked the strange tempo and atmosphere. To each his own I guess, but this is the only movie I've ever walked out of. When they killed the protagonist I'd had enough.

HighLander 2: The Quickening (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0102034) - We won't even go there. There should have been only one. Well, actually the movie says it all: There can be only one. Winner of the Hardware Award for the Worst Movie since Hardware! HollowMan - That movie about the guy that becomes invisible (Starring KevinBacon & Elizabeth Shue) The guy becomes invisible and does nothing but squeeze some boobies? He has about 3 days of invisibility and doesn't do anything more interesting than that? Come on!

-- J --

Jeepers Creepers - Really scary up to the point when you see the bad guy and then its not really scary at all. Then there's the other 85 minutes of the 90 minute film that I can't recall.

Joe vs the Volcano (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0099892) - Y'know, somehow I don't think Hanks and Ryan are going to be pulling this one out as their best movie.

-- L --

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Rivals only StarshipTroopers for being "movie that is the total polar opposite of the book" - although there is an odd reversal in that ST the movie was satire (said satire being arguably the sole redeeming feature of ST), while in LXG it was the source graphic novels that were satire instead of the movie. Worse, the movie became exactly what the book was a satire of - bland pop-stories that ignore just how seedy and nasty we really are. The real LXG was a team of rapists, drug addicts, terrorists, and a suffragette. Mina Harker was the leader, and was most certainly _not_ a vampire.

Legally Blonde 2 - The first movie was a fairly average but enjoyable film. This sequel basically takes every decent element from the first film, flushes it and replaces it with annoying blonde jokes. Did the writers even see the first film? There was a little thing called character development. It was important. And the Snaps Cup. Dear God. LordOfTheRingsPartOne - The JrrTolkien books "The Hobbit" and "LordOfTheRings" are classic works with quality in many details. The movie has a watered down script, so what is left is without intrigue. As a movie it's of questionable quality [http://www.movie-mistakes.com/film.php?filmid=1778], but it has good visuals and computer graphics. The worst thing about this film is it can spoil your book reading experience. Love Actually - Not that anyone here is likely to watch this willingly, but even my wife wanted to walk out halfway through this one. But you have to watch at least some of it, so that when you watch InTheLoop?, you get the reference when Jamie shouts "Shut it!... Love Actually!"

-- M --

MarsNeedsWomen? - Martians come to Earth to kidnap women because a genetic accident of some kind causes births on Mars to be predominantly boys. Ironically, the lead role of Dop the Martian was played by TommyKirk?, who a few years earlier, was supposedly fired by Disney for being gay.

TheMatrix - a comic book plot drowned in take-away philosophy. Lots of visual effect to hide the fact that the movie doesn't have even one original idea. MatrixReloaded - mindless superhero plot dressed up in visual elements of the superb original movie. Gunfights, car-chases, explosions, kung fu, deathless heroes, vampires, ghosts, and good vs. evil. Not bad as your standard Hollywood FX movie, but horrifically dull and disappointing for anyone who enjoyed TheMatrix. MatrixRevolutions - While the first was action-packed and original, and the second merely action-packed, the final installment of this trilogy stitches together sequence after dreary sequence of action movie cliches as threadbare as the clothing worn by the inhabitants of New Zion. Enemies that can't shoot or simply mill about menacingly, giant robots, continuous blaring machine gun fire, and a final mano y mano Fight Sequence To Save The World, set to blaring choral music, rather reminiscent (perhaps redolent is the better term) of Highlander ... 2. Moulin Rouge - the world's most trite love story. They thought flashy visuals and cheesy 80s pop songs redone in Broadway musical-style could make it more interesting. No. I got two things from this movie - learned what "a pimp" is, and understood once more that LifesJustTooShort to watch moving images. Tango Argentino scene seemed the only one with some message. Camera and editing job were disgustingly bad. The only really good thing there was that, ending was told in the beginning of the movie and everyone could leave without any worries that movie will get any better. I also left the cinema. I've only ever walked out on two films. The other was a 1940s nazi propaganda film. This film was dire. Mrs. Doubtfire - Robin Williams in drag, complete with a grating phony accent and weird moralism throughout. Harvey Firestein turns in a performance as a flamboyant queer which is not so much over-the-top as it is under-the-bottom. Need I say more?

Manos, the Hands of Fate (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060666/) - This is what happens when you give a fertilizer salesman a small amount of money, a camera, and an inkling of ambition. Unlike most movies on this list, this one is truly bad in a profound, painful way. Do not watch without the safety guards of the MST3K crew jabbing at it, or you might just end up clinically insane. The only thing I can think of worse is Red Zone Cuba.

-- N --

Nick of Time (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113972/) - With Johnny Depp as the good guy and Christopher Walken as the bad guy it can't be that bad, right? Wrong.

-- O --

The Omega Code (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0203408) - I went to this movie hoping for an interesting look at Jewish mysticism. Instead, they use the Bible code theories as a flimsy backdrop for a prophetic computer which introduces hokey plot elements too late for the protagonists to do anything about it.

-- P --

The PerfectStorm - The movie does not follow the standard "disaster formula" because the story is about real people in a real storm. Therefore the movie's no fun. On the other hand, the people are so stupid it's impossible to care about any of them. They can all drown for all I care, and many of them do. Read the book, instead.

PlanetOfTheApes - the remake that is. It starts out bad, and gets worse, and worse, and worse... And then just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, it has TheWorstEnding. It is disillusioning that TimBurton? did such an trivial movie. And did anyone else notice the continuity error when the main antagonist was locked in the crashed ship's bridge? He was jumping around (monkeys do that, you know) and blasting away at the door with his Zap Ray Gun, when, in one of the cuts, it suddenly becomes a Beretta 92FS. In the next cut it's back to a Zap Ray Gun again. Aren't they supposed to pay people to catch errors like this in a "blockbuster" movie? Prosperos Books (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0102722) - Based on Shakespeare's The Tempest. I guess. If it had been merely bizarre, I might have enjoyed it. If all the naked bodies had elicited any kind of hormonal response, I might not have regretted sitting through it. Pulp Fiction - a story consisting of a bunch of blood and gore separated by aimless wandering and rambling by its antiheroes. I would add more of a description, but thankfully I have wiped (most of) this movie from my memory. I felt a weight had been lifted from my soul when the end credits started rolling.

-- R --

Red Planet - Oy. That simple, that bad.

Return of the Jedi - I bought the StarWars DVD box while feeling some nostalgia. I remember when it came out that Return of the Jedi was my least favorite. The Ewoks were overly cute, but I remember thinking that the rest of the movie made up for it. I was wrong: Return of the Jedi is awful. Mark Hamill gets even uglier and still can't manage to act his way out of a paper bag. Carrie Fisher looks desperately like she wants to be somewhere else. My wife (who happens to love things like Spiderman) had never seen it, and a half hour in she gave up on it. I was embarrassed to be watching it. A horrible mess of a movie. I fell asleep 15 minutes after the wife got up, I was so bored with it. Addendum: I gave the DVD set an additional chance and watched all the movies again. I realized that The Empire Strikes Back is actually pretty good, save the Jonah and the Worm diversion. But Return of the Jedi is still just plain bad, particularly the acting and the dialogue. It's not a question of disbelief. And Luke is never convincing as a serious Jedi. RunawayBride? - Julia Roberts & Richard Gere are the Barbie and Ken dolls of the industry. Producers are forever putting them together in different ways (For a rant by JamieZawinski see also http://www.jwz.org/gruntle/appeal.html)

-- S --

Showgirls (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0114436)

Soldier (http://us.imdb.com/Title?0120157) - KurtRussell? schlock of the nth degree. SoylentGreen? - Perhaps the stupidest movie I've ever seen. The "shocking truth", that people choosing suicide in a seriously overcrowded world were being recycled, is the only part of the movie that made any real sense. The only redeeming value was the movie-within-a-movie: the scenes shown in the suicide parlor. The shocking truth is what they're being recycled as. As an early '70's take on dystopia, it was topical for the population explosion, women's rights as well as the great divide between haves and have-nots. Nothing like it until BladeRunner really. Spaceballs (http://us.imdb.com/title/tt0094012/) - Get a balance scale. On one arm, put Young Frankenstein, The Producers, and Blazing Saddles. On the other, put Spaceballs. The spectacular unfunniness of the latter is almost enough to cancel the combined humor of the other three. Why in the world didn't anyone close to Mel Brooks warn him that he was risking his standing as a funny person by making this film? Star Wars Episode I & II - I remember being very excited as a kid to see each of the first three Star Wars movies. At first I thought I was disappointed with the Phantom Menace (and the Clones One) because I was a jaded adult. But even my son, who was heavily into Harry Potter and other fantasy junk at the time, was bored to tears by these movies. I can barely remember anything about them now, just that they seemed like a bunch of technical wanking. Unlike episodes 4-6, it didn't seem like there was any reason to care at all about what happened to any of the characters. Completely forgettable. Starcrash - I'm sure there was a story, but somewhere among the Texan-drawl robots, preprogrammed computers (wow!), and The Hoff's Headgear (I understand he'd prefer not to discuss the role)....

Stayin' Alive - Alleged sequel to SaturdayNightFeverTheMovie?, which is actually a good drama. The sequel makes no sense on its own and even less sense as a continuation of the story. Everything about this one sucks, and not in an entertaining way; it's just bad. -- ChrisBaugh

Stranded - Ick. Vincent Gallo is the only redeeming feature of this confused tale of the first manned expedition to Mars crashing and getting stranded there. Horrid acting except for Gallo, who can't save this beater. Dumb story, completely useless ending. Technically a non-starter. They used real training simulators for sets, and still couldn't get the technicals right. This is how independent movie making gets a bad name. Swordfish

-- T --

Titanic - rather dull love story set against the background of a sinking ship (aka "WorldGoneMad?"). Those sort of plots get dull during the era of silent films!

True Crime - Is this a reverse spoof of The Player? Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me - I like surreal, really I do, but this movie is just annoying!

-- W --

A Wedding

Who's That Girl? - Madonna's acting is the best part, which should tell you a lot.

-- Z --

ZabriskiePoint? - Stunningly bad direction, astonishingly wooden acting, and no script whatsoever combine to make this movie that does nothing, goes nowhere, and in which nothing at ALL happens the canonical example of MoviesToAvoidAtAllCosts.

For a list of bad movies with reviews, try http://rinkworks.com/badmovie/.

What, is it considered fancy to add here movies just because they didn't fit your mood or what? Snobbish.

Some of the reviews explain why these movies must be avoided at all cost. And as for snobbish? Some of us pay good money to view these film things, and feel the need to express how much it annoyed us, or insulted us, or bored us. Can't stomach a critical review? Move along - for you, there's nothing to see here.

Last Comments

I love the name of this page - moves to avoid at all costs?! If I had to choose between death and watching an Adam Sandler movie, I'd probably watch the movie.

There are no Adam Sandler movies listed on this page. If you don't like Adam Sandler, that should say a lot about the movies that are on this page. Then again, as in the case of Lord of the Rings, some movies are here because a few people really didn't like them. However, in the case of Adam Sandler flicks one should probably keep a flame thrower handy to destroy the TV or movie house, should one be forced into a position of watching one of his masterpieces.

Most of these movies I have never seen - I guess from the sound of it I'm Lucky to have missed them.

Hmm...I have to agree with this. I'd much rather listen to VogonPoetry? than watch a Sandler flick. Failing that, sliding down a 10 meter razor blade into a pool of iodine seems much more fun as well.

Notes:

  1. I concur with many of the opinions expressed by my most esteemed wiki wanderers in the current paragraph. I object, however, to the lack of vehemence in establishing the degree of ill-luck and mind crushing horror it is to be exposed to this nightmarish work. I enjoyed the first movie. When I heard there was to be a sequel, I said to myself, "Bravo!" I had doubts about the wisdom of resurrecting Sean Connery - well, anyhow, one cannot be too choosy. I remember fleeing early from an excruciating class (a class on discrete mathematics - god, how I loathe discrete mathematics - but that is a topic for another page) and queuing up and paying $6.95 for the matinee show. At first, and it is most disconcerting if you have seen the original movie several times (as I had), there's a sense of dislocation and discontinuity, as though you are living in a parallel universe. You start to think to yourself - am I in the right place? why doesn't this movie make sense? did I walk in late by mistake? did I black out and miss something. But then the truth dawns on you - the movie is pastiche of stream of consciousness editing and just the most pathetic writing imaginable. "What happened? Why me?" you cry over and over. I have seen many of the movies mentioned on this page. This movie is not comparable: it lives in a hell of its own. I would rather have my eyes replaced with rectums than to see this "piece of entertainment" again; you must think I exaggerate, but I do not. -- [not signed]

See: MoviesToConsider, MoviesThatCouldHaveBeenSoMuchBetter

CategoryMovie

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