She Change Design In The Database

An old friend of mine, a veteran of many programming campaigns, approached me the other day seeking tips for using a library, and we discussed how our careers had progressed ever since we had parted ... company.

He told me a hushed secret; for a long time now he hadn't been able to kill any bugs.

This worried me, because we all know bugs are a fact of programming life. Our job is to write code, find bugs in it, make a list of them, and remove them one by one.

When pressed on the matter he confessed the reason he hadn't been able to kill any bugs was because he (and his project's QA team) could never /find/ any bugs.

I advised him to look harder, but of course his disclosure made me fear for his sanity. He's either not writing hard programs, or he's delusional and debugging without realizing it.

His project is the kernel of an object database; everyone knows such an endeavor requires many long nights and weekends debugging. I inquired, obliquely, about his sleeping and recreational regimen, and he assured me that all his vacation time was used up and that he worked only 7 hours a day.

Faced with someone clearly delusional of course I did not attempt to berate him or confront him with the evidence of his disease. But I advised we meet to discuss this at some future date, after he had the opportunity to have more (or possibly less) vacation time.

When we met at the agreed upon location and time he arrived accompanied by the San Diego rock band Sprung Monkey, who proceeded to play a cover of Harry Nilsson's song [Put the Lime in the] Coconut, but with these lyrics:

        [She Change Design in the] Database

    Brother wrote a database, he finish it on time
    His sister add requirements, she change the whole design
    She change design in the database, she mix it all up
    She change design in the database, she mix it all up
    She change design in the database, she mix them all up
    She put no bugs in that database; she called the doctor, woke him up,

    And said, "Doctor, now there must be some mistake
    I say, Doctor, but there ain't no bugs today,
    I say, Doctor, thought the database would break,
    I say, Doctor, when I set that design straight!"

    "Now let me get this straight,
    You change design in the database, you mix them all up
    You change design in the database, you mix them all up
    You change design in the database, you mix it all up
    You put no bugs in the database, you called your doctor, woke him up,

    "And say, 'Doctor, when I change my whole design,
    I say, Doctor, and I finish it on time,
    I say, Doctor, doctor, and they can't pin a bug on me,
    I say, Doctor, dooooctor, how can programs be bug-free?'

    "Change the design in the database, mix them both together,
    Change the design in the database, refactor every letter,
    Change the design in the database, mix things all up,
    You put no bugs in the database, and iterate it better?"

    Wouh wouh wouh wouh wouh

    Brother wrote a database, he finish it on time
    His sister add requirements, refactor every line
    She change design in the database, she mix them all up
    She change design in that database, she called the doctor, woke him up,

    Sayin' "Doctor, now I got to pay my dues,
    I say, Doctor, to debug away my blues,
    I say, Doctor, such a big change has to break,
    I say, Doctor! I must'a made a bug mistake!"

    "You change the design in the database, mix things all up
    You change the design in the database, mix it all up,
    You change the design in the database, mix it all up,
    Change the design in the database, you such a silly woman!,
    Change the design in the database, and the bugs are gonna come,
    Change the design in the database, everything will break,
    Change the design in the database, can't debug what you ain't done,
    change the design in the database, and call me in the mooorning"

    "Woo Woo, all my tests defend my change, I say
    Woo Woo, but this feeling is so strange,
    You say woo woo ain't no bugs in my bug base, I say
    Woo woo, lookin' for a big bug chase,

    You say yah yah, ain't there nothin' I can do, I say
    Waah waah, but my debuggin' days are through,
    I say doctor!, there ain't nothin' I can't change,
    I say doctor!, there ain't nothin' I can't change,
    I say doctor!, there ain't nothin' I can't change,
    I say Doctor!" "You such a silly woman!,

    "Change the design in the database, gonna give them bugs a rest,
    Change the design in the database, you need to test a little less,
    Change the design in the database, refactor till it's best,
    Change the design in the database, and call me in the moooooorning,
    Yes, you call me in the morning,
    If you call me in the morning, then... [X5]"

As my friend is clearly demented, I'm asking this Wiki (widely regarded as a bastion of sanity) how to disabuse him of the notion that writing programs without any debugging whatsoever is possible.

-- PhlIp

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But seriously, folks, an absolute 0 bug count might indicate your detector is broken. And >never< underestimate the value of a HairyArm!

Discussion booted out to BugFreeUpFront.

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CategorySillySongs (aka Filk)