Sarcastic Alternative Definitions

Sarcastic alternative definitions to common IT-related terms and concepts.

Agism - See "Experience"
CapabilityMaturityModel - 1. AnAcceptableWayOfFailing; 2. A systemic way to fail properly and consistently, and to document the fact that you've failed properly and consistently.
CascadingStyleSheets - 1. Proof that [bleep] runs down-hill.
Complexity - See JobSecurity
CORBA - 1. Complicated Object Requests that are usually Broken or Acting up. 2. An interface that resembles a slithering pit of live cobras.
Cutting Edge - (self explanatory when taken literally)
C++ - 1. C with Object-oriented spaghetti pointers
Dilbert - 1. Illustrated lessons in work-place reality.
DistributedComputing - 1. The condition where nobody will commit to where to host the damned thing.
Documentation - 1. Something some poor shlub has to write to satisfy contractual requirements, but that nobody bothers to read because it's likely boring, dry, repetitive, and doesn't cover your actual questions.
EventDrivenProgramming - 1. When someone or something else dictates when you can process information; 2. Fear of Main functions.
Email - 1. A clutter and BS amplification and multiplication engine.
Enterprise Application/Tool - 1. A tool that results in lots of people get fired if it fails; 2. A money pit; 3. Automated red-tape.
Experience - 1. The thing that makes you look old because you've been around long enough to know that the latest bullshit fad being peddled by clueless managers is not going to work right and you can no longer fake enough enthusiasm to remain in good standing.
Fault-Tolerant - 1. When management has no moral qualms blaming you for everything.
Flexibility - 1. Having a variety of ways to be confused and to screw yourself or your customer into a knot.
FunctionalProgramming - 1. The function-oriented version of GOTO's
Integrated - 1. Change one part and everything breaks; 2. You have to pay for the whole burger even if you just want a pickle.
Java - 1. C++'s and COBOL's bastard child.
LISP - 1. Classic: Lost In a Sea of Parentheses
Microsoft - 1. What Bill Gates' wife labeled "it" on their honeymoon. 2. A tool stack that sucks and tries to lock you in, but at least you can find help to use/fix it because because everybody else is also using it.
Mobile Application - 1. When the target platform or requirements won't stay still long enough to finish.
ObjectOrientedProgramming - 1) When nouns are forced to cross-dress as verbs and verbs forced to cross-dress as nouns, and adjectives are bi-sexual.
OpenSource - 1. To either RTFM or WTFM; 2. Synonym for GUUI - Graphical User-Unfriendly Interface; 3. Installing 20 sub-parts for one application.
Oracle - 1. A company whose sales people will take you and your budget sailing.
RapidApplicationDevelopment (RAD) - 1. Maintenance is somebody else's problem.
Reality - 1. Whatever the hell your boss or the customer says it is.
Recursion - 1. The act of cursing again when your call stack fills up and crashes
Re-engineer - 1. Replace an old pile of [bleep] with a new pile of [bleep] so that the crash messages look more modern.
Responsibility - 1. When you get all the blame but none of the power.
Scalability - 1. Stuff you pay dearly for now that you won't actually need until the system is obsolete anyhow.
Security - 1. Annoying red-tape iGates that everybody tries to ignore and bypass until a breach of your org is front-page news.
SmallTalk - 1. A programming language whereby everything is an object regardless of whether it should be or not.
Standard - 1. Fucked up consistently; 2. The devil you know.
Team-work - 1. You get just as much blame as the guy who actually screwed it up.
Web Development - 1. The process of turning gray trying to make browsers act like desktops
XML - 1. The easiest way to bloat up data
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