Fight Fair

The one tactic that saved my marriage was to learn how to fight fair. Perhaps you had better examples as a child, but I learned how to win arguments at all costs. Marriage is another example of a situation in which it is possible to win the battle yet still lose the war.

Problem: Arguments happen. Conflicts need to be resolved and feelings may run quite deep.

Context: Marriages are long-term. Conflicts are short-term. While it may be important to "get your way" it cannot be at the expense of the relationship.

Solution: Agree on argument ground rules in advance. Some suggestions:

• No one goes to bed before the argument is settled.

(Prevents multi-day disputes -- limits time extent of disagreement)

• Limit scope of argument -- don't bring in issues settled in the past, or extraneous to the current discussion.

(Arguments are a lousy time to settle the "you always..." disputes.)

• Don't interrupt. Hard, but incredibly important to the mildly speech-impaired like me.

• Forbidden subjects. Weight, baldness, money, parental ties, etc. can all be quite sensitive. So sensitive as to poison the discussion. Best to avoid -- do you think your partner doesn't know he/she is fat, bald, poor, Oedipal, etc.?

Other rules may work for other people.

This may all be an instance of a more general pattern for relationships: plan for failure while relations are good.

-- KenMeltsner

I HaveThisPattern, but only after some hard lessons during the first years (I am mildly speech-impaired too). -- GunnarZarncke

See PartnerPatternsLanguage, MakeRoomForAllViewpoints, ListeningWithYourAnswerRunning