Fairness In Parenting

''Spun off from "FairnessDoctrine?"

When raising children lovingly, you must use a certain amount of fairness, and a certain amount of reward/compensation. It is one of those things that is difficult to teach to others, and most often is bungled. As parents go, it seems that either they have this understanding, or they do not. In some cases, offspring succeed where their parents had failed. This can be a very sore subject with many children, and it tends to follow them into adulthood, if they feel that they have been slighted when a child. It is a tricky balance, a gift/art perhaps, like so many aspects of parenthood.'' -- WikiZen

The only rewards that aren't demotivating are attention and praise. That's it, there are no other ones. And there wouldn't be any problem with this except that attention is such an expensive, abnormal and declasse thing to give children in our child-hostile North American cultures. As a result, people tend to turn to cheap tricks like alienating their children (eg, television, video games), punishing them, turning them against each other (inspiring and encouraging competition), and of course "rewarding" them materially (toys, awards and other crap). -- RK

Competition and rewards have been successful in motivating bright kids, e.g, in chess, music, maths, science, even spelling bees. Problems arise because all kids are not equally endowed and what may be good for intellectual development may be (or be delivered in a manner that is) emotionally unhealthy.

I agree that two of the most priceless gifts that one can give their children, are indeed loving attention and praise. No doubt about it. Another priceless gift to give your children, is to tell them when you the parent are wrong. I go find them whether it is the middle of the night, or what have you, and tell them immediately when I realize that I was incorrect in my judgment. These moments are priceless, and your child/children gain massive respect and adoration for their parents that do this. Most parents don't have the guts to do this, and it does take a lot of strength at first, but then it becomes natural and easy as pie. Creating a trusting bond, creates a loving relationship that lasts a life-time. -- WikiZen

There really isn't any trick to being fair in parenting. It takes patience, intelligence, empathy and an unswerving sense of justice. The problem is that most people luck out if they have one of those qualities. -- RK

I do agree with you on this, and what you describe is plain old hard work and dedication. I takes time, and it is a lot of work to tune-in to your children to the point that you quickly realize trouble brewing even before they do. -- WikiZen

I try to apply a FairnessDoctrine? to parenting. When my kids start screaming and hitting each other, I try to calmly get them to each tell their side of the story. (sometimes I have to sit on one or the other or both!) I usually find (when the dust settles) that they both were wrong and try to get them to look at their own behavior and how it can improve, rather than blame the other one. No blame, no competition. Fairness all around. -- RonJandrasi

What we haven't really addressed yet, is the question of what to do when you have one parent that grew-up in an environment that was totally unfair. So, as the original poster/author of the page FairnessDoctrine? described, there becomes this tug-of-war between the parents with the children in the middle getting pulled apart. Naturally, the children are going to go the direction of most-for-the-least, just like water running down hill takes the path of least resistance. It can be a very difficult situation, because the one parent that was slighted in their youth, at some point has sworn that their children will never have to go through that and suffer that kind of abuse. It can be extremely difficult to get that spouse to understand ideas that they never experienced, therefore it can become nearly impossible to get cooperation. This, is the norm in most family situations. So, communication and cooperation between the parents is where the problem and the solution is. A difficult environment can be the result, and the children are the ones that pay the price. -- WikiZen