What Isa Real Technician

Real Technicians drink caffeinated drinks to relieve stress. Real Technicians look beyond the hype and know that they drink caffeinated drinks because they are addicted. Real Technicians don't mind addiction, as long as it doesn't interfere with their ability to fix computers. Because of this, Real Technicians don't use any drug harder than Espresso.

Real Technicians make sure everything they do is undoable. Not because they're afraid they'll mess something up, but because they destroy things on a regular basis. This is a natural consequence of knowing so much. So Real Technicians back up registries, hard drives, and take note of the innards of a system in case the whole thing explodes in a glorious display of sparks and green smoke and demons.

Demons are a consequence of Cheap Garbage. A Real Technician suspects that companies that sell Cheap Garbage routinely make deals with otherworldly beings, because there is no way on Earth that their computers could otherwise function at all. Cheap Garbage fails when the demons bound within break free, and the hardware, no longer under supernatural control, follows the laws of physics and fails.

Real Technicians do not have Cheap Garbage in their own computers. They do, however, have several boxes of Cheap Garbage stashed in a corner, which they empty into the garbage bin every three years. A Real Technician would not give Cheap Garbage to his worst enemy, though he might consider weakening the demon's binding and sending the Cheap Garbage back to the manufacturer.

Real Technicians want to know what's inside the case. A Real Technician will pop open a computer's case before turning it on. A Real Technician will not spend much time on his non-technician friends' computers, because he has so much trouble resisting the urge to replace the Cheap Garbage and reformat the hard drive to properly install the operating system. Real Technicians never put the covers on their own computers. Not because leaving the cover off makes it easier to change out parts, but because a Real Technician likes to simply look at the inside of his computer from time to time and remind himself that he has far more computational power than he will ever use.

If a Real Technician finds that he has need for more computational power, he will not throw out his old computer. Instead, he will salvage the good parts from his old computer and build a new computer that is marginally beyond affordable. The old computer will be set up next to his other old computers and become a test bed for esoteric operating systems. If the computer is networked, the Real Technician will set it up to produce SETI work units.

Real Technicians are magnanimous. They share their vast knowledge with lesser technicians. Because Real Technicians are so magnanimous, they will never actually tell lesser technicians how to solve a problem. Instead, a Real Technician will answer a lesser technician's question with a question. This is because a Real Technician believes in solving problems through rational thought, and the skill that separates Real Technicians from lesser technicians is the ability to reason through a problem. A Real Technician might provide the solution, however, if he is distracted, in a hurry, irritated, or cannot think of an appropriate question to answer the question.

Real Technicians are magnanimous. They help the less fortunate by answering their computer-related questions. The less fortunate have not yet taken the first step toward enlightenment. They flounder in the darkness, struggling to double-click and wreaking havoc on their own computers like a naive installation program in an unfamiliar operating system. Real Technicians know when the less fortunate can progress no further, and wrest control of the hapless computer from their grasp. Then, with Tender Loving Care, they restore the computer to health or wipe it and reinstall the operating system.

Real Technicians carry tools. A lesser technician has a bag with screwdrivers, pliers, wire clippers, chip pullers, tweezers, grabby-fingers, cables, screws, jumper caps, disks, reference books, diagrams, pens, a three-ring binder with blank paper, and a note from his last love interest four years ago. A Real Technician has a Phillips screwdriver in his pocket. In a Real Technician's bag, he carries only a box of band-aids and a hammer.

Real Technicians can create software problems that FDISK can't fix. Real Technicians don't even use Microsoft's FDISK. Real Technicians use Linux FDISK, since it allows them to do strange and wonderful things to the partition table. Truly Master Technicians use a disk editor to manipulate partitions. Godlike Technicians use DEBUG.

Real Technicians don't really need to reinstall Windows to fix a problem. Given enough time, a Real Technician will edit configuration files and replace library files until the computer works.

Real Technicians do not work on Macintosh computers. This is because Macintosh computers are 'cute.' Real Technicians don't do cute. Real Technicians know that technical work is dusty, dirty, and dangerous. No one in their right mind considers a Macintosh to be dangerous.

Real Technicians often appear out of touch to the less fortunate. This is because they are thinking. Real Technicians are always thinking about something. They have trouble sleeping at night because they think so much. They have trouble waking up in the morning because they dream so heavily about thinking. Real Technicians know that thinking is the key to being Real.

This is fantastic! That is, until it enters the OperatingSystemWar?. -- MatthewTheobalds

Ah, if only you had seen what I left out... >:-)

Really, I have nothing against Macintosh computers. I think they're cute!

I'll see what I can do to refactor.

-- CraigPutnam

Aren't they more than cute? Are they not the closest thing, today, to a transparent computing experience? Don't think I'm a zealot who has never used another computer, far from it. I'm somewhat involved with the NetBsd project, and fully understand HorsesForCourses. Macs are great for some things, so are NetBSD machines, so are lot of other things. No-one has topped Solitaire on Windows, yet!

-- MatthewTheobalds

Believe me, Macs are the farthest thing from 'transparent' you can get. Windows is more transparent. What they give you instead is a promise that it'll work, and a couple key-combos that'll make it work if it doesn't.

Hey, I HaveThisPattern!! -- RogerLipscombe

CategoryHumor