Turn Complaints Into Predictions

When people complain about other people, their complaints sound similar to predictions. "He never puts the toothpaste cap back on." "She never lets me do anything fun." "I hate it when he criticizes me." "She never does her fair share." “I never can tell what he wants.”

Such complaints are often accompanied by a sense of “it shouldn’t be like that”, a sense of helplessness or frustration, and a sense of fatality (as in the quality or state of being predetermined by fate).

However, the ability to make accurate predictions puts people in control. Scientists develop hypotheses and formulas to predict and control what will happen in the natural world. The chess player with the greater skill at prediction will win a chess game. A husband who can predict what will make his wife happy actually has a fighting chance of making her happy.

Therefore, turn your complaints about others into full predictions. Challenge yourself to see how accurate your predictions can be. Games are fun. And the more accurate your predictions are, the more control you will have.

"He doesn't mean to, but about 70% of the time he will forget to put the cap on the toothpaste, especially when he is tired or it is dark." "She will object if I ask to race cars, skydive, or bungee jump - anything thought of as risky." "He is a perfectionist, and will point out all the flaws he finds in my writing – he means no harm, but it drives me bananas when he does it." "She likes to have fixed chores. If you ask her to do anything more than her "agreed on duties", she will get in a huff." “I have to ask three or four times before I get an idea of what he wants, but he is happy to answer me.”

The ability to make good predictions means you understand the dynamics of a situation, or are moving closer to understanding them. If you understand the dynamics of a situation, you can change your own behavior to reduce or avoid undesired behavior in others.

Or if you cannot reduce or avoid undesired behavior in others, you can at least better prepare yourself for it. Forewarned is forearmed.

OK, sounds reasonable. But HumansAreLousyAtSelfEvaluation and therefore we tend to assess our "success rate" higher than reality. Would you like to work in this consideration in your suggested pattern above?

I don't quite understand what you are saying. Do I, as the author, sound too sure of myself? Or are you suggesting such predictions would be flawed. If it is the former, all I can say is that I don't mean to. By all means tone it down.

If it is the latter, I think it is OK. This pattern (actually you are right, it is more a "suggested" pattern) is more a mechanism to stop complaints and frustration than a mechanism to produce good predictions. I use it as a reminder to myself when I catch myself complaining. So even if I make bad predictions, it is working - I am doing something more productive than complaining. And anything improves with practice.

Also, are there other support for the "suggested pattern" above? For example, are there similar passages in HowToWinFriendsAndInfluencePeople type of material?

Not that I know of off the top of my head. HowToWinFriendsAndInfluencePeople says DontCriticizeCondemnOrComplain. This is one possible thing to do instead.

And further advice, (e.g. what "better preparation for the undesired behavior" and why?)

I added "forewarned is forearmed". What you do when you just know Aunt Nellie is going to criticize your hairdo approximately 15 to 25 seconds after she greets you is up to you.

Thanks for the edits and suggestions.

CategoryPattern