Rules Of Geelf

Golf was invented by the Romans, who called it Paganica. Later it was reinvented by the Dutch, who called it Kolven and played it on ice. Then the Scots got hold of it, and would hear nothing but that they had come up with it themselves. These days, of course, it belongs entirely to the Suits.

I humbly submit we need a game in the Roman tradition, to be played on golf courses, with golf clubs and small white balls, that is so dramatically unlike golf the Suits can only stand and stare. So here's the RulesOfGeelf V0.4:

The game is played with just a three-iron. There is a ten point bonus for obtaining the oldest, dingiest three-iron in the group. Try op shops and church bazaars. If the course insists you carry a golf bag so be it, but play only with the 3 iron at all times.
Since it's very annoying to have golfers play through you, and since playing a particular ball is irrelevant in geelf, the players all share a single ball. This provides a lot more time for talking geek talk.
Players take turns hitting the ball.
Getting a ball on the green is quite good enough. All that putting nonsense is distracting and sometimes quite annoying, so we just dispense with it. In fact, if a ball does happen to go in a hole, that's a 5 point penalty. A hole in one is a twenty point penalty.
Sandtraps. Here's where the game gets interesting. If a ball enters a sandtrap then we use the rake to bury it just below the surface. Won't that give someone a thrill? New ball, no penalty.
Trees. Anyone hitting a tree with a ball loses a point. Trees are our friends.
Ducks. Anyone hitting a duck with anything is an instant loser.
Lakes. Each ball hit into a lake increases a player's score by 1. Yes, of course you can win by buying a lot of balls and hitting them into a lake. This is known as "mal a tete".
Puns. Players get one point for every pun they make. Triple puns are worth two (a "beaugie"), and so on. Puns must be in conversation, apt, and original, or they don't count.
Neologisms. Legal only in AspectOrientedGeelf. Players get an extra scoring variable for each neologism they make. Every reference another player makes to a neologism increments its variable; every reference the player makes to it decrements the variable. At the end of the game the player raises their score by the power of each scoring variable in turn. If a player's resultant score is larger than a googol they are officially inducted into the Aspect Oriented Geelf Hall Of Fame. Raspberries all round.
If for any reason a ball is lost by a player, that's a 5 point penalty.
Apart from this, each player gets 5 points per hole, In general we just want to obtain some kind of number so that when golf players walk up we sound like we're doing nicely. If your score doesn't sound like a good score you can always hit a few balls into a lake.
The winner is the player with the largest score. Everyone else has to buy the winner a drink, or some chocolate, or something else they might like. A good book would be just smashing, thanks.

There, doesn't that sound like a lot more fun? I'll play geelf with anyone, any time, anywhere. Just name it and I'll go. --PeterMerel

Any points or penalties for hitting a fish?

No points or penalties for hitting fish because, like bullets, golf balls are slowed by passage through the water and do no injury to the fish. Except maybe flying fish, for which see "ducks".

Is this an example of DuckTyping?

Is that a sensible precaution to take against terrorists?

This is an example of the reverse pun, which in Geelf is known as a "nup". Also worth 1 point. Unless followed by a pun and both being about tea. Tea-nup-tea-pun is self-cancelling, naturally.

Aw, that's really hard to score! Let's see, you get 1 extra scoring variable for the neologism. And "nup is reverse pun" is itself a pun, so you get +1 on the pun variable for that. But then -1 because you used it. But your use created a beaugie for the LarryNiven tunctipun pun complex - in which variable do you score that?

It's 2 points in the original punning variable, -1 in the nup neologic variable. Bugger, now that's another -1. Shyster!

Is punning in 2 languages, as you just did, a beaugie? Or maybe you didn't intend it, in which case I just made a nup?

It's obvious from my unusual word choice that I intended it. And, hey, thanks for the +1 ...

How many points for hitting innocent bystanders and then bouncing into a lake?

Anyone who hits innocent bystanders must immediately be bounced into a lake or else they are declared an instant winner and the rest of the players forfeit.

Doesn't it depend on whether or not the bystander is wearing a suit?

Naturally. No one wearing a suit is innocent.

Losing a ball is minus 5, hitting into a lake is only plus 1. So unless there's a diving element to Geelf, the lake strategy is a losing one.

Don't be silly. Hitting the ball into the lake is not losing it, since you know perfectly well where it is. Losing it is when you think it was right here, but now it doesn't seem to be, and you were the last one who saw it.

I want to know, can your score go negative?

Attempts to create a negative score result in the awarding of a "cretin flag". This is usually a knotted handkerchief or some other small garment belonging to one of the other players. The negative player is obliged to wear this flag on top of their head until their score turns >= 0. Refusal to wear a cretin flag is worth 20 points.

HunterStocktonThompson suggested in one of his last ESPN columns adding a shotgun to the golf equipment bag. On each hole one player would carry the shotgun and be challenged to shoot the other player's golf balls out of the air as they play. This is probably not possible to implement except on the most private of courses.

HST liked percussions in all their myriad forms. Anyone bringing percussive devices of any sort onto a geelf course is considered a pro, and therefore it's always their turn. Other players may be obliged to line up, empty their pockets, and compile naked human pyramids.

What if one of the fragments of the pulverized golf ball should land in the cup?

You try telling a pro to take a penalty. I'm not doing it.

This sounds hilarious. Pete, next time you're in Amsterdam, look me up. Golf has always seemed like a disease to me, but golf courses are such beautiful places. -- RichardCollins

Sounds great Richard, shall do. I played a half-round with my father-in-law here in Coronado and had a fine time of it. Well, I lied shamelessly and told him I thought a lot of his game. In fact he played like a duffer and made only one pun I could detect. After nine holes I was 27 to his 3. Yes, he did put those two in the lake, but even after I putted-in 6 times it was a walkover. I guess he's getting on in years. I'd love to play someone who could really contend me ... --PeterMerel

Despite the fact that Richard & Pete have both been living in Sydney for several years since this exchange, strangely, they have not played Geelf together. Seems like time for a meetup?

This is just superb! The first and only "sport" associated with geeks - I shall do my best to propagate this! - SridharNivarty

From now on this shall be the official game of wiki. Thank you Peter. Record tournament scores below. (Any play with the intention to record scores qualifies as regulation tournament play.) -- WardCunningham

Players recording scores start with a ten point handicap. This is to discourage sponsored professionals from taking over the game.

Grown up CalvinBall, anyone?

CategoryWikiFavorites