Richard Rabinowitz

Hi there. How are you today? I am a 24 year old who goes to Bloustein, a school of planning and public policy in New Brunswick, New Joisey (sic!). My birthday is June 22, 1979. :) I am a fan of transportation, suburban planning, real history, alternative history, food, chocolate luvin', and fat women. I pledge not to attack people (unless they are idiots), and I do pledge to agree with opinions that I find idiotic. Thank you very much. :)

I am NOT the guy who is Vice President of (Popular?) Photography magazine, and I am also NOT the guy who once wrote a book on the differences between War and Peace. I am a different Richard Rabinowitz. I am a Richard Rabinowitz who moves to a latin beat (sometimes). I am a Richard Rabinowitz who eats insects if the mood strikes me (not true). I am a Richard Rabinowitz who plays time machine (hmmm, gotta think about that) and pretends to have love affairs with Marie Curie (lol!).

Please note: this is NOT my actual view of Italians. Thank you for noticing.

Richard Rabinowitz's Dopey Italian History Page

In Italy of old, there were two kinds of Italians... the Barbarian Italians and the Caesar Italians. The Caesar Italians take their name from Gaius Cesus Italianus (1268 BCE-1044 BCE), an Italian general who was brave and ranged over hill and dale to fight the Phoenicians and other masturbators (or, rather, masqueraders). Because he lived so long ago, it is not known how much of a role he had in creating the Italians or the Italian race. What is known was that Julius Caesar was a Caesar Italian, hence the name, and he would range to and fro a-conquering for the glory of fair Roma. Whether Gaius Cesus Italianus or the Caesar Italians did anything militarily besides roaming to and fro, or a-conquering, is unknown. In any case, the Caesar Italians settled firmly in the Italian basin by 1003 BCE, only to be set on their heels by the Hebrews, a Pharaoh, and a sea parted in twain by some Egyptian prince hailing by the name of "Moses".

Understandably upset at being trod upon by chariots and bewildered Hebrews, they took up arms, blew up the Volcano at Santorini, and plunged the topless Minoan women and everyone else in Greece into a dark age. Nonetheless, the Greeks came roaring back and conquered the southern tip of Italy for spite. The Punic tribes saw that, and immediately sacrificed a baby to Ba'al Hammon. When that didn't work, they conquered part of Sicily, and then they founded Carthage. Nonplussed, the Italians founded Rome. However, the Italians found themselves, rather inconveniently, under some dopey Etruscan king. So they did the sensible thing - after throwing a Royal Tantrum and banging their heads together and then acting dizzy and then fainting - they seceded from Etrusca. They put their helmets on, on account of having bonked themselves dizzy when they banged their heads together, and started marching in phalanxes, and then drunk themselves silly. By the time they'd woken up from their hangover, they had taken over Italy, much to their surprise.

Seeing how easily they had done that, the Caesar Italians got into the habit of arguing with Carthage over the fact that the Sicilians had not invented Sicilian Pizza yet, whereupon a Caesar Italian named Pyrrhus won a battle by cutting off his own arms and legs. This is how the Pyrrhic Victory was so named. The Carthaginians laughed their asses off at this stunt and accidentally threw a spear at a maid of the brother of the Japanese sun goddess, Amaterasu. Thus, there was a solar eclipse, a lot of gods and goddesses besieged the cave to get the sun goddess to come out, and the First Punic War began, followed by the Hannibal Lecter war in which Hannibal the Cannibal devoured Caesar Italians when riding a dead elephant, and then the Third Punic War, all of which the Italians won and Carthage lost. The Caesar Italians now enjoyed picking fights, and Julius Ceasar rose to the occasion by taking Gaul from the Kelts and then various other chunks of real estate, including Donald Trump's "Taj Mahal" in Atlantic City, New Jersey. This entitled Julius Ceasar to become a Dictator, and there he was, until he was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald while in the Senate on the Grassy Knoll, where he uttered the famous words, "This is one small step for an Italian, this is one giant leap for Italiankind." Rome subsequently went on to become an Empire, and thus it remained until the Barbarians came in from the barbarian hinterlands to spoil the fun. The Barbarians, sons and daughters of a barbarian Italian tribesman named Gaius Dagus Italianus, wore last night's underwear in this morning's clothing, and they also had country-hick spears and country-hick fur coats. They could also ford streams and walk on water and make loaves out of fishes, which entitled them to take over the Roman Empire and found Catholicism. Catholicism is notable for being a religion, not being Judaism, and also for being a knee-jerk bureaucracy with ten Hail Maries and two molested children served to the general public, per diocese, per day. It is also notable for refusing to hire lasses as priests, something that would gall certain of the Caesar Italian women if the issue had ever come to their attention. On the plus side, Catholicism is notable for being the world's largest religion; indeed, it is now so large that it is at serious risk for being bought up by Microsoft. Unfortunately, the Barbarians bungled their Latin during their sexual affairs, which is why we have the Romance Languages, and their mismanagement of the Roman Empire plunged Europe into the Dark Ages, over which the Barbarians ruled with the Inquisition and an iron thumb. Jewish and Wiccan heretics were burned at the stake, and Barbarians even got into arguments with the Mohammadans, upon which the Barbarians lost some of their earliest fights and had to reconquer Espana by way of Reconquista.

Fortunately, the Caesar Italians, having founded the colorful city of Venice in the meantime, came to an agreement with the Barbarians to engage in the Renaissance, which bore fruit in such beautiful products of the Italians such as the Sistine Chapel and the Vatican. However, the Italians got into trouble with the German Northmen of the North, which hated the fact that Italians were the main folks running the Catholic Church. When the Italian Pope issued a Papal Bull, thus goring everyone in Wurttemberg, Germany, the Northmen fought back with a Schism, and - before you knew it - the Reformation was underway. This proved an excellent chance for Italians to bicker among themselves and for the Caesar Italians to join something called the "Holy Roman Empire", which was really a bunch of German Northmen masquerading as Caesar Italians. This brings us to the Counter Reformation, in which the Barbarians teamed up with the Inbred Hapsburgs to take back the Netherlands and various other territories, splattered rudely all over Europe, for some weird reason. They only partially succeeded. The Caesar Italians, meanwhile, laid out plans to take back Italy and reunite the peninsula once and for all. However, one Caesar Italian would have none of this, his excuse being that he was born on an Island and not on a Peninsula, which gave him - supposedly - the right to take over France. His name? Napoleon Bonaparte. The French, being what they are, were quick to wave the white flag when Napoleon came in, and soon the stocky Caesar Italian was conquering not only Italy, but also Spain and the Land of the Northmen. It was all for naught, however: the poor French troops couldn't help their habitual surrendering, and thus Napoleon was captured at Waterloo and sent into exile.

I saw your edit to WhyWikiWorksNot - have you read CamelCase?

Now I have. Cool. It is... it is not... oh, what the hell. :)

Oh, and by the way... all your base are belong to us. :) :)

AllYourBaseAreBelongToUs isn't original either.

I know that! I also know "you have no chance to survive make your time" isn't original either. But all my base are belong to y'all, as they say. ;)

I meant wiki already has a page for it.

CategoryHomePage and sort of CategoryHistory