English Orthography

Orthography literally means "straight writing." Of course, anyone who speaks English knows that its orthography is anything but straightforward.

This poem can be found elsewhere on the Internet, but I repeat it here because it says it all:

The Chaos by G. Nolst Trenite' a.k.a. "Charivarius" 1870 - 1946

   Dearest creature in creation
   Studying English pronunciation, 
   I will teach you in my verse
   Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse 

   I will keep you, Susy, busy,
   Make your head with heat grow dizzy. 
   Tear in eye your dress you'll tear,
   So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer, 

   Pray, console your loving poet,
   Make my coat look new, dear, sew it! 
   Just compare heart, beard and heard,
   Dies and diet, lord and word, 

   Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
   (Mind the latter, how it's written). 
   Made has not the sound of bade,
   Say said, pay-paid, laid, but plaid. 

   Now I surely will not plague you
   With such words as vague and ague, 
   But be careful how you speak,
   Say break, steak, but bleak and streak. 

   Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
   Pipe, snipe, recipe and choir, 
   Cloven, oven, how and low,
   Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe. 

   Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
   Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore, 
   Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles.
   Exiles, similes, reviles. 

   Wholly, holly, signal, signing.
   Thames, examining, combining 
   Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
   Solar, mica, war, and far. 

   From "desire": desirable - admirable from "admire."
   Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier. 
   Chatham, brougham, renown, but known.
   Knowledge, done, but gone and tone, 

   One, anemone. Balmoral.
   Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel, 
   Gertrude, German, wind, and mind.
   Scene, Melpomene, mankind, 

   Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
   Reading, reading, heathen, heather. 
   This phonetic labyrinth
   Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth. 

   Billet does not end like ballet;
   Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet; 
   Blood and flood are not like food,
   Nor is mould like should and would. 

   Banquet is not nearly parquet,
   Which is said to rime with "darky." 
   Viscous, Viscount, load, and broad.
   Toward, to forward, to reward. 

   And your pronunciation's O.K.,
   When you say correctly: croquet. 
   Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve,
   Friend and fiend, alive, and live, 

   Liberty, library, heave, and heaven,
   Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven, 
   We say hallowed, but allowed,
   People, leopard, towed, but vowed. 

   Mark the difference, moreover,
   Between mover, plover, Dover, 
   Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
   Chalice, but police, and lice. 

   Camel, constable, unstable,
   Principle, disciple, label, 
   Petal, penal, and canal,
   Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal. 

   Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,
   Rime with "shirk it" and "beyond it." 
   But it is not hard to tell,
   Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall. 

   Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
   Timber, climber, bullion, lion, 
   Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, and chair,
   Senator, spectator, mayor, 

   Ivy, privy, famous, clamour
   And enamour rime with hammer. 
   Pussy, hussy, and possess,
   Desert, but dessert, address. 

   Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants.
   Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants. 
   River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
   Doll and roll and some and home. 

   Stranger does not rime with anger.
   Neither does devour with clangour. 
   Soul, but foul and gaunt but aunt.
   Font, front, won't, want, grand, and grant. 

   Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger.
   And then: singer, ginger, linger, 
   Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, and gauge,
   Marriage, foliage, mirage, age. 

   Query does not rime with very,
   Nor does fury sound like bury. 
   Dost, lost, post; and doth, cloth, loth;
   Job, Job; blossom, bosom, oath. 

   Though the difference seems little,
   We say actual, but victual. 
   Seat, sweat; chaste, caste.; Leigh, eight, height;
   Put, nut; granite, and unite. 

   Reefer does not rime with deafer,
   Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer. 
   Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
   Hint, pint, Senate, but sedate. 

   Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
   Science, conscience, scientific, 
   Tour, but our and succour, four,
   Gas, alas, and Arkansas. 

   Sea, idea, guinea, area,
   Psalm, Maria, but malaria, 
   Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
   Doctrine, turpentine, marine. 

   Compare alien with Italian,
   Dandelion with battalion. 
   Sally with ally, yea, ye,
   Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay. 

   Say aver, but ever, fever.
   Neither, leisure, skein, receiver. 
   Never guess - it is not safe:
   We say calves, valves, half, but Ralph. 

   Heron, granary, canary,
   Crevice and device, and eyrie, 
   Face but preface, but efface,
   Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. 

   Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
   Ought, out, joust, and scour, but scourging, 
   Ear but earn, and wear and bear
   Do not rime with here, but ere. 

   Seven is right, but so is even,
   Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen, 
   Monkey, donkey, clerk, and jerk,
   Asp, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. 

   Pronunciation - think of psyche!
   Is a paling, stout and spikey, 
   Won't it make you lose your wits,
   Writing "groats" and saying "grits"? 

   It's a dark abyss or tunnel,
   Strewn with stones, like rowlock, gunwale, 
   Islington and Isle of Wight,
   Housewife, verdict, and indict! 

   Don't you think so, reader, rather,
   Saying lather, bather, father? 
   Finally: which rimes with "enough"
   Though, through, plough, cough, hough, or tough? 

   Hiccough has the sound of "cup."
   My advice is - give it up! 

---

Note the effect works best with the British pronunciations:

• Pall Mall a location in London, pronounced "pell-mell." Don't ask me about the brand of cigarettes.
• lieutenant in England is pronounced "left-tenant".
• Job, Job the second Job is the Biblical one.
• victuals is the correct spelling of "vittles."
• Ralph is pronounced "Rafe" across the pond, as in Ralph Vaughn Williams.
• groats is the correct spelling of "grits." Kiss my grits!
• clerk is pronounced clark

All of which goes to prove that English is not a language - it is a stew of languages! example: lieutenant is French and means someone who holds the place of. Pall Mall comes (again from French) paille maille and is a game which was the ancestor of croquet.

Many thanks for that tidbit! Evidently, Pall Mall is not etymologically related with "pall" or "mall". Never thought of that.

And on an aside, Tory is an Irish word for a hunted bandit... AonghusOhAlmhain