Death And Healing Process

I should mention, I consider myself to be a spiritual kind of guy, although not particularly religious. I have come to the conclusion that as long as I believe a thing to be true, it really doesn't matter what the group tells me what I should or should not believe. Ultimately, it is my decision to make, not the group's. I can honestly say that I have taken bits and pieces from various spiritual beliefs over the years, and it has worked well for me.

Okay, I intended this page as a (therapeutic?) sounding board for those individuals who have had to cope experiences close to death. I don't mean near death experiences necessarily, but rather losing a friend or loved one suddenly to some tragic event such as accidental, mother nature, murder, or otherwise. The topic is geared toward the healing process. In other words, how we collectively or individually find ways to fill the void(s), however small, that were once occupied by their friends and loved ones before they are taken from us?

I became inspired to add this page after losing a close personal friend (Shaun) to murder. Although I am not privy to the investigation being a friend and not a family member (nor would I care to be, unless the information was offered to me), I have enough (second hand) knowledge of the events leading up to Shaun's murder to know that it was really just an utterly meaningless thing that never had to happen. And even though the killer has since turned himself in, signed an affidavit, and is awaiting his trial, I still feel that it was meaningless, so trying to cope with the loss is even that much more traumatic. I was also unable to attend the funeral (held within a week of the murder) for financial reasons, making the quest for closure that much more difficult. The first week or so was very difficult for me to deal with; tears were frequent, as well as bargaining, trying to attach any kind of meaning that I could, no matter how unrelated (why the hell did he have to die? what could I have done to prevent the events that day? ...and so on). The dynamic is more complicated because I have known the Shaun's brother (Adam) for some 12 years since my first year of college, and Shaun and his fiance (Paula) for 4-5 (just recently becoming much better friends between us). So I have felt very torn between wanting to heal myself, fill the gaps, and helping his brother and fiance fill their own gaps. I can say that I have come to appreciate (if not, coming to appreciate) the finality and inevitability of death (no matter what the circumstances). It is, after all, the last great thing each of us does in life, so naturally our closest friends and loved ones want to share in that experience when it is our time to go (part of why murder of any kind is just that much more traumatic, because we are robbed of that opportunity).

This page could very well be tied in with CategoryWorldView (just try to narrow the discussion to spirituality and ones own healing process rather than religious beliefs).

There is a gap. Dress it how you will, the gap will always remain. That gap is your friend and your enduring tribute to him. Is there anything else that need be said? All of us will live on in the memories of those that mattered to us (for good or ill). Perhaps the problem coming to terms with such a thing is our own mortality - confronted with it we are speechless. So make the gap you feel your tribute and comfort yourself with that.

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