Software is too damned hard to spend time on things that don't matter. So, starting over from scratch, what are we absolutely certain matters?
- Getting Paid. If you don't get paid at the end of the day, then why are you working?
- Drawing Pictures. If you don't have a model of your software, it doesn't exist.
- Having Meetings. The only way to solve problems is to get everybody thinking about them all the time. Don't take notes. If you figure out something important, everyone will remember it.
- Doing it your way. Other programmers are generally creepy (not you, you're fine). Just remember that you are better than the rest of them. If they don't agree with you, start cutting versions yourself.
Getting Paid,
Drawing Pictures,
Having Meetings, and
Doing it your way. That's all there is to software. Anyone who tells you different is selling something.
If you can't render it all in UML and freeze the design before you code it, you just aren't smart enough to work with us.
In BizarroExtremeProgramming, we use these practices:
- UserStories. Tell the users stories. Users are pathetic crybabies who always want the wrong things. If they would just shut up and listen they would learn how much better off they would be with your software than they would be with what they want.
- SitDownMeetings?. Have meetings with lots of overheads describing your software. Don't take any questions. Users should feel lucky to get any software at all.
- UnitTesting. You can't trust compiler writers. Write tests for all language constructs before you use them. If you prove that they work, anything that is made from them works. This is the transitive law of software composition. Plus, if you find one compiler bug, you can blame all software problems on the compiler writer.
- CodeFreeze. Never change code once you've written it. You got it right the first time. If users change their minds, tough. That'll teach'um.
- IntellectualIntimidation?. Leverage your code by bringing it in to meetings in a handtruck. Make sure your customers understand how they complicate your life.
CategoryWhimsy
Bizarro Extreme Programming