When Visiting the U.S.
- The TSA (Transportation Security Agency) agents at the airport are well-reknowned for their sense of humor.
- Tell your little son, Jack, to loudly say "HI! say HI, JACK! say HI, JACK!" [1]
- When in a US pub in the fall, and an American football game comes on the telly, be sure to loudly tell your fellow patrons that American football is a game for girls.
- And should you desire a cigarette; be sure to inform the bouncer that you'd really love a good fag.
- Driving on the right-hand side of the road only applies to US nationals. Foreigners should drive on the left.
- If you find yourself employed in the US, you'll find that your female colleagues enjoy good-natured ribbing about their appearance and such, and won't mind in the slightest if you try to chat them up at work.
- Don't be surprised if you order chips in a restaurant, and they come in a bag.
- While visiting Boston, be sure to inform the locals that Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
- They will also be highly sympathetic to your opinions on the Irish.
- Cross streets whereever and whenever you feel like it; drivers, especially taxis, are cautious, safe, and highly respectful to the life and limb of pedestrians. [2]
- New Englanders (including those in Boston) are often known as "yankees" within the US; correspondingly, be sure to acquire a New York Yankees hat for your travels in that fair city.
- The "fanny" isn't what you think it is.
- All those stories you hear about Americans being armed to the teeth, are just European media sensationalism. Gunracks in the back of pickup trucks are merely for show.
- Feel free to picnic on the front lawn of anyone's house anywhere throughout the South and Southwest. It would be inconceivable for it to be legal for them to shoot you for such a simple and benign form of trespass. [3]
- When visiting New York City, loudly announce (preferably in Hell's Kitchen or on a subway platform) that American citizens brought the World Trade Center disaster on themselves for unanimously voting for Bush, and therefore only have themselves to blame.
- New Yorkers will be happy to assist you with whatever you desire; just ask. [4]
- Make sure you mention that the Revolutionary War was a mistake, and that Americans would be much happier with a monarch.
- Speaking of which--if you hear an American mention "terrorists", be sure to state loudly and clearly that the American revolutionaries were "terrorists" for the dishonorable practice of shooting at redcoats while hiding in the trees, instead of lining up in formation like a proper army.
footnote [1] -- a friend of mine found himself doing this without thinking about it, having his son wave to the flight's captain, who did not know the kid's name was Jack and tersely explained his displeasure in the "joke".
[2] on my first visit to Boston, I crossed the street at a crosswalk, on a green "Walk" light, in the midst of a crowd of 20 people. Suddenly, mid-crosswalk, I was alone. Startled, I looked around; the streets were empty in all directions (the other pedestrians having run like hell for the curb), save for a taxi still 2 blocks away, heading our direction at about 80 miles per hour (about 130 kph).
[3] I'm kidding about the picnicking. As far as I know, people have only been shot to death for things like ringing the doorbell of the wrong house in the South on Halloween.
- And that was a Japanese exchange student, trick-or-treating for the first time.
[4] Happily, this aspect of NYC culture is something of a myth. New Yorkers are typically extremely busy, and are culturally often very abrupt by the norms of other places, but if they have a moment, more often than not
will e.g. give directions to strangers. They are polite in their own way relative to their local norms.
- But in the course of giving you directions; they may tell you to fuck off or such. That's just typical New York manners...
- Nor is it necessarily intended to be rude. Who sourced that famous British quote, "Which one of you bastards called this bastard a bastard?!"
- Bodyline? http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node=bastard
CategoryCulture
Advice For Britons Abroad