Accusation That Assumes Knowledge Of Internal Motives

Some of the most dangerous kind of accusations are those that assume you can read a person's mind and know their internal motivations. They generally fall into the pattern of "you are doing X to stir up trouble, to make me look bad, to kiss-up, etc.".

Since internal motives are often nearly impossible to prove or disprove with anything approaching certainty, such accusations should be avoided in a civilized discussion in my opinion. Instead, try to focus on what it is about the language used or content that you find disturbing and try to correct it without relying on mind reading assumptions or accusing the other party of conspiracies. In other words, focus on the other person's output, not their processing. It's "your content has flaw X", rather than "you have flaw X".

Sometimes it is important to try to figure out what a person is "up to" as we say commonly. It is equally important to try to read people. At least for our own security.

So we try to determine what a person is up to. Mind you sometimes we are totally off (I almost accused my janitor of stealing my home keys one day! They were on my kitchen floor).

But sometimes we are right! I find the search for motives very important and I do it regularly.

Perhaps, but it is best to keep your conclusions to yourself. It is not polite to accuse somebody of evil motives, even if the case. {AssumeGoodFaith.} Evil doers often don't even realize they are doing evil, so it does no good anyhow even if you did find an evil motive. Say something such as, "That approach is not profitable for the company in the longer run for the following reasons...", rather than "You are just power-hungry".

Further, if you accuse others of evil motives, they will often go into "frankness mode" and tell you what they really think of you and your motives, leading to a FlameWar. Sometimes it's best not to know what each other really thinks of each other.

DaleCarnegie has pointed out that you cannot change people by accusing them of sinister motives. You have to do it by finding a common ground and build on things they already agree with you on. In otherwords, use the carrot, not the stick. I think our ape ancestry makes us want smash people who annoy us with a verbal club. We have to resist such urges just like all the other impulses we have to suppress in a civalized society. The "right way" to fix behavior takes more patience and time than we wish, just like dieting and kid raising. RudenessFails to "fix" people.

Forming an internal opinion is fine. It is when you accuse them of having hidden motives that you risk fireworks. Example, "Stop trying to trick/confuse/anger me!"

If you secretly try to find out what the other person is "up to", then you somehow have hidden motives yourself. I think it's better to have a clear understanding of your own motives, needs and wants.

True. As part of human nature, often we fall into the trap of spending more time fixing others than we do fixing ourselves.

See also: DiscussionAntiPattern?, TrollDefinition, KeepCriticismNarrow

CategoryPsychology; CategorySelfImprovement?